How to accept a life without love, stop desiring it and make peace with loneliness

By Amdusiasparagus

Giving up is easy, we’ve all done it at various points in life. Be it giving up on a fancy but too-good-to-be-true offer, a dream, a job, a friendship or a relationship. However, when electing to give up on love we often go through a lengthy inner debate. “Should I give it another try?” is the recurring question, and the act of giving up frequently becomes a pause lasting some weeks or months before getting back into the fray.

Trying again can be what’s needed to gain that long-awaited success. It can also lead to more disappointment. Go through the process enough times and you may come to a point when leaving this merry-go-round becomes more important than any hypothetical future success. This is when you need to learn how to stop desiring what hurts you and make peace with yourself and where you stand in life.

It’s the difference between being okay with love or friendship not happening and being alone, and being constantly nagged by frustration and the fear of missing out until you cannot stop yourself from trying out dating again.

Note that the means to get over and accept a lack of romantic love or a lack of platonic social relationships are the same either way.

As for why someone would give up, reasons are plenty:

• You’ve been burned one time too many.

• There’s only one person for you, and they got away.

• You never had success and you’re done trying.

• You don’t want to feel like a consolation prize after being ignored for so long.

• You don’t have that vibe people dig.

• You only attract the wrong kind of people.

• You don’t want to lose time looking for something you feel you have little chances to find.

• You think it’s too late now.

• Relationships hurt you more than they do you good.

• You enjoy your solitude and would like to do so even more.

• You feel the pressure from constant competition, be it in a professional, social or intimate setting and want to let go.

• And so on.

You have your reasons, I have mine. I’m not here to discuss them.

Most of us would prefer a ‘normal’ love and social life, with a couple struggling to overcome hurdles together and becoming more than the sum of their parts, regular outings with a steadfast circle of friends. These optimal scenarios aren't always possible, and realizing it can provoke strong emotions like bitterness, anger, or a sense of loss. To achieve peace we need a way to deal with these emotions but we also need to reduce the desire for relationships.

And that takes work. Finding peace is a long process. It’s about trying out methods and building up a routine that will stick with you and work your way up from there, it’s not an instant switch.

Only then can we get to a place where we can accept our situation without getting irate over it.

There is nothing groundbreaking in this document. I am no doctor, no expert, no coach. I am an average, middle-aged man with a regular 9 to 5 job and some time on my hands to write on the side.

Here you will find a variety of means and methods that helped me reach a peaceful state of mind about my situation. No love, but fine with it.

Perhaps it will help you reach peace too. Perhaps only parts of it will be of use. I doubt there’s a one-size-fits-all solution, some things worked for me and may not for you and vice-versa. Read it, and if you find some ideas inspiring you, great. I don’t make any promises; I won’t tell you it will work for sure if only you apply it seriously enough. Chances are, if you’re here you already had your fill of promises.

This is not an exhaustive document either; it would require hundreds of pages if not more to cover every aspect of being at peace with a less than optimal situation. But I will give you pointers, and a way to frame these pointers to get to there on your own.