The social beast inside of us
I may have mentioned we are social animals to varying degrees. Well, being social helps staying mentally healthy. With a good crowd of course, being with people making you feel isolated is markedly worse.
How much one needs people varies, yet we all need some connection. But what sort of social contact are we talking about here?
Situation 1: Friends
Curious creatures capable of gulping down tons of food and struggling to sweat it off by running. They will complain about how hard it is to lose weight. They will still gladly accept the invitation to eat the food you made. They are fickle creatures. They are also capable of speech – depending on the level of sobriety, possess anywhere from 1 to 4 limbs, or 5, depending on the propensity for questionable humor.
Having friends already? Well, that’s a head-start. Meeting them is likely the most optimal way to fulfill the human need of socializing. Even when the dread hits right before the actual meeting and calling it off in favor of a quiet time alone seems like the brightest idea. Friends should be the sort you can talk to about everything and spend enjoyable time with. Sometimes, you can't discuss everything but still spend good time with them. Restaurants, bars, events, bowling, playing chess, a conversation on a bench, the phone, an evening at home, anything goes. It's social and makes for a healthy human being, there isn’t much more to that. Take the initiative and invite them to whatever, in group or just one on one.
No friends or they are not available? Building a social circle makes for an excellent objective in the meantime.
Internet can give you close places to meet folks, whether you live in a megalopolis or in the middle of nowhere. Associations, hobby clubs, meetups, farmer's market and so on, any place is good if there are people there as long as some conversation can be made. It’s weird when unused to it, and can seem clunky and unnatural, especially when aware it’s a skill most people learned years ago and you’re late to the party. But to shoplift a saying I heard in a videogame, “perfection isn’t an art, it’s a habit. We are what we do repeatedly.” Or in layman’s terms, “shit done regularly gets easier over time.” We get better at different shit at different rates, but if there’s improvement and there’s some social contact, we got what we're looking for.
Once you have the guidelines and the potential places, it’s all about going out and meeting people. I had the easiest time with sports club, especially martial arts. It put me in contact with good people, and punching one another in the face brings you closer. I have fond memories with the boxing club, the trainer there was super motivated and got us to do some street workout in a park with a small bunch on the regular. Some weeks later we went to a restaurant, and later I invited them to a barbecue. I’m still in contact with some of them, even though I left the club years ago.
A heads-up if you’re like me, and by this I mean: thinking of most people as fundamentally uninteresting and preferring to be left alone rather than mingling with that vast empty mass.
Interest yourself in people, force it a little bit. I know, I know, experience in sniffing out people you’d rather avoid makes forcing contact a painful exercise. Hard to be interested in people when there’s nothing to be interested in about in the first place. Truth is, even the most boring idiot has more happening in their brain than you’d expect. I’m not saying every person is a unique butterfly whose wings spread gorgeous colors upon taking flight. Most people will remain in the ‘meh’ category, but a person here and there might reveal more depth to change your perception of them.
Another aspect of being an introvert like me who isn’t too fond of people is that you may not be half as good at categorizing people as you think you are. It’s a defense mechanism and an unsubtle one to spare you bothersome moments. Truth is we’re not familiar with the intricacies of existing personalities. Taking more time to get to know people will help you fine tune your social radar and spot more people worth spending time with. Even if your first new social circle may seem shaky and not that great, it means more opportunities to meet others through acquaintances and contacts, and that’s more occasions to make the sort of steadfast friendships you’re looking for.
And afterwards? No magic word. It’s trying, meeting, talking, and maybe foster contact. Can be annoying, stressful and gruesome, but worth it.
Relevant short-term goals:
Join a club or hobby that puts you in contact with people. Doesn’t matter who, as long as there’s a hobby to discuss, it’s a conversation starter. Make some small talk. If for only a minute or two. That minute can add up over the day until other subjects get broached.
Relevant long-term goals:
Build a circle with a handful of people you can go out with, and with whom you can meet other people still. Think of this as the virtuous circle of having a social circle.
Situation 2: Parasocial interaction
People alternatively talking or screaming on screen about random subjects such as: history (nice), politics (less so), dating (avoid like the plague), basket-weaving (my love, I have found thee again), canoe crafting (if you’re feeling unfaithful), and on and on.
Parasocial interaction is the one-sided psychological relationship between a viewer and a performer on tv, youtube, twitch, or similar. Born through repeated exposures to presenters or celebrities, it leads to the forming of a feeling of friendship with whoever is on the other end of the screen.
Without going as far as seeing the performers as friends, having streamers I had a good laugh with or people painting while speaking with a smooth voice (hail Bob Ross rediffusions) in the background helped me when I felt lonely at home. It gives the feeling of a presence, lacking the essential element of interaction as it’s one-sided, but a presence nonetheless.
It's also a crutch. It’s not the actual social interaction you or I need, but in situations of loneliness, it’s better than nothing.
I insist on listening to a bunch of people having fun, not videos like ASMR or meant to give the illusion of having a partner, this will only rub your nose into an absence we're working on both reducing and not thinking about. It's counterproductive, so pick carefully.
Situation 3: Those little horrors that took over the world and will soon drag it into oblivion, also called pets
Cat, dog, parrot, ferret, hippopotamus, you name it, a black-market dealer will provide it. You may need a larger than average flat for that last one.
It’s different from human contact, pets will not fully bridge the gap, but it does help a lot. Going home to an empty apartment and going home to an apartment with a cat jumping at you the moment you pass the door makes a hell of a difference. Admittedly, mine doesn’t budge from his throne and awaits food without moving a whisker like a decadent king, but that’s on me for picking a cat with the name of an emperor who is remembered for being full of himself.
Cats require little work, give them a place to defecate, toys to play, pats on the head and they will be happy. Dogs, especially on the larger side, will need you to take them out to the park, which isn’t bad either as it’s an activity that’s good for body and soul and dog-walkers like talking to fellow pet-owners.
For my cats I go to the closest shelter and pick among the oldest residents there. They are rarely chosen, but these old geezers know to enjoy something bigger than their cage and love to take naps on my belly when I’m in bed reading. And that’s priceless.
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