Libido, lust, sex and all the dirty stuff

In that gorilla brain of ours, there’s a part that, at times, believes the future of our species hinges on our immediate reproduction with another member of the species, preferably of a type that makes the conception, production, and baking of a child possible for future delivery. Sometimes we're gay, but we still try because we're innately a positive species. After all, you never know.

Let's take a moment to appreciate the optimism.

…

Done.

Lust when you're single though?

Most humans think of it at times. While I'm all for dodging romantic daydreaming because it twists the knife considering what we're working on here, I'm more of an “it depends” sort of person regarding libido and associated erotic thoughts.

You're fine with it? Cool! Wank away, or do what you feel like doing, and then go on your merry day, that's one conundrum less to think about. You can jump to the next chapter right away.

If not? Now there's a discussion to be had, as libido can be very frustrating.

Reasons for being bothered by libido can vary and you should pin-point it, because the answers to the problem are variable. There is a difference between feelings of shame after visiting a porn site, and fantasies that make you acutely aware of your singledom. In the first case, dropping porn might help. In the second one, it’s occupying the mind.

Do search for the root issue. It can be a bothersome post-masturbation feeling, it could be the desire to do anything else with your mind except fantasizing. Perhaps you believe you masturbate too much. Where does the feeling of overdoing or shame come from?

That’s the sort of reflection you should have before setting for a solution. Once you know what your main issue towards libido is, you have a clearer picture of what exactly you wish to achieve.

Could be going cold turkey, could be simply being okay with thinking about sex without any change to the masturbatory habit, could be dropping porn or outside stimuli.

My issue was porn addiction – which I discuss in the next chapter – and an over-imaginative mind that balanced between romantic fantasies of hand-holding and napping together, to wild sex and then some. A few pointers that helped me:

• Staying occupied. It’s a repetition of what we broached before, but the rule remains. More time for daydreaming is also more time to fantasize. Have a full agenda.

• Triggers. Triggers can be manifold. Sitting at the computer, bad mood, boredom or lack of sleep, they give you a strong urge to masturbate or consume porn or daydream. Spotting the triggers makes them avoidable, some are obviously easier than others. Mine for example was sitting at the computer right after lunch. Why? Heck if I know, and meditation techniques failed to provide proper results here. Making sure I was standing after lunch and doing something slightly active for an hour or two (extremely hard, considering the full-belly drowsiness and me being a lazy bastard) was enough to stop me from thinking about sex or watching porn, which was otherwise nearly impossible if I sat. Boredom or bad moods can be harder to get a proper grip on, for me it was stress, and I made use of meditation to get a grip on that. There are also triggers for feelings of loneliness or other emotions still, it’s always a good idea to keep an eye out for them if only to know yourself better.

• Getting used to not see people as romantic prospects also stopped the follow-up of wondering how hugs or sex with them would be like. I crumbled these thoughts like sheets of paper when they came up, over time this made me stop considering people as anything other than platonic friends and limited the tendency for my brain to think about shared intimate moments.

I doubt my libido has lowered much, but stopping porn and learning to get by with loneliness and focus on other things makes it a lot easier to plainly ignore. Some days, I really do think quite a bit more about sex than usual. It happens. If it’s such a day, I just masturbate to get it over with. Happens once every week or two. The rest of the time, I neither think about it nor masturbate.

I don't like thinking about sex, it’s like dreams of becoming a millionaire. The idea is nice, the possibility unlikely. Acting as if sexuality barely exists so to speak and putting some distance between myself and sex helped me with becoming content and finding peace and quiet in my head. As with everything I write, that’s my method, you might achieve solace in another. Find yours.