We added, now take away

Some thoughts are worth letting go. Some actions may deserve the same. Let me pick the often-cited example: social media. Does watching the life of others make you sad? Do you wonder why you’re on them and wonder what purpose it serves? Do you scroll random pages for ages and wonder why? Then that’s what we’re talking about.

Specifically, things reminding you of loneliness, making you feel angry or useless. Now, nuance in all things. Meeting people can be hard, but we’re social animals, and social contact is still essential despite eventual bad sides to it. However, I'd argue social media is not the same as social contact. An earnest, long exchange is a rarity online, and the actual benefits can be questionable. And that is before factoring people not showing their real life but an idealized version of it (in bright or dark light depending on their proportion for self-depreciation), or algorithms designed to display what triggers your emotions to get more clicks and views.

The whole internet can be questioned this way, website by website. Even ones that may feel good in the moment:

• Social media, as mentioned. Other people present a sanitized version of their lives to peruse. If your socials are filled with pictures and texts about people in love or relationship that you barely ever meet, what’s the point? And if you do meet these people a lot, then you don’t need to check the media all too often. If it does indeed help you stay in touch with people, there’s a benefit, and some jobs require a social media presence, but otherwise, ponder what you really gain from it. Should the answer be “not much,” “I get sad and jaded,” and other synonyms, consider unsubscribing altogether. Facebook thrives the more time you spend on it – any website does, really – but for the sake of your head, cutting down internet time and especially social media is rarely a bad idea. Before dropping mine, I changed filters and groups and ended up only having cooking recipes on my feed. I unsubscribed from facebook and instagram since.

• Porn websites. Hardcore, softcore, basketcore, doesn’t matter. Seeing people shag when you’re not shagging yourself (or getting shagged) won’t help with reaching peace of mind, quite the opposite.

• Forums discussing couples, love, dating, loneliness. Sticking your nose right into the subject ailing you is also a good way to never let go of it if you keep going back.

Some websites are great for support. Being lonely and realizing you're not the only one is nice. Many places on the internet allow to share experience and find a listening ear, from random discussion threads to places like redpill forums and associated. The effect remains the same: relief to find out you’re not alone. It’s an emotional crutch to handle loneliness or rejection or anger or depression.

But the crutch can become heavy. And while you can find support, the websites (and webvideos, and even books) often end up fostering further feelings, which can become more of a hindrance than a support. Read and listen all the time about people that are pissed or sad will tank your own mood.

In short, websites, books and whatnot about loneliness, but also works meant to help with your feelings – This document here included – are good, but only in very moderate amounts. Perusing websites with lonely people who keep talking about relationships and the lack of will eventually hurt. Take the advice you can get from it, find what trick helps, use it, and move on. The risk with spending too much time with them is that they just become another reminder of loneliness or lack of love. At least with a book, there’s a beginning and an end. Internet communities always have more stories and people to get the ball rolling, and it becomes an unhealthy habit for too many participants.

To keep coming back to it is like a never-ending grieving process. Saying you gave up but keeping on wallowing about it online or IRL isn’t making peace with it, it achieves the opposite effect. At some point, you must let go, which is what all I’ve written about is meant to help with. Otherwise, it’s like these people haunted by the ghosts of dead family members because they can’t let go of the memories, and horror movies taught me that this isn’t a good situation to find yourself in. If those websites or book makes you see feel lonely, it’s not helping.

If there's a period of time in your day dedicated to the internet that could be replaced with sports or basket-weaving, do so.

Same reasoning if, instead of making you feel lonely, the websites or books make you see some people with hate or anger. Be it women, men or successful people. Anger is the opposite of peace of mind.

Previously I advised to sit down and write down what your objectives were, which ones you wanted to add, and which ones should be dropped.

I’m all for doing this again, but about your current habits in and out of the internet with two questions. What are you gaining from it? And what is it taking from you? If there are more drawbacks than negatives, you have new objectives to strive for: dropping them.